Funny Of The Week

These chalkboard signs do make me smile.

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Guest Writers Wanted

I’m gradually getting back into blogging after my recuperation. It’s great to see you all again and to be part of it. I wondered if anyone would like to write something for my Guest Writer Spot, which I’m bringing back on a Friday.

I accept stories, poems, articles – in fact, anything and everything. All you have to do is make sure your prose is no longer than 1000 words and your poems no more than 40 lines. If you would like some of your writing to be featured on my blog, please contact me here or by e-mail: estherchilton@gmail.com

In the meantime, Happy Halloween!

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Funny Of The Week

It’s an easy mistake to make…

hilarious chalkboard signs 4 (1)
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A Trip Down Memory Lane

Memories of My Special Grandparents

I was twelve when my grandad died. So I only have a few memories of him. I wish I had more.

Grandad and Nan had moved away some years before so we didn’t see them very often. He’d also had a stroke when I was younger and Mum always said he wasn’t the same after. I remember him pointing to my Snoopy watch and asking who was on there.

“Snoopy, Grandad,” I remember saying.

“Who? Noopy?”

“No, Snoopy!” I cried.

We both laughed and it was nice to see him smile. I don’t remember him smiling much, which is why I love this photo of him and my nan when they were younger. They both look so carefree and happy.

Mum passed her driving test when she was nearly forty. Before then we walked everywhere or used public transport as Dad didn’t drive. Soon after she passed her test, she got her first car, which meant we could go and visit Nan and Grandad a little more often. I didn’t like travelling by car as I’d often feel car sick, but I coped with it by listening to music on my Walkman on the way there and then, on the way back, was the highlight of the day (after seeing Nan and Grandad, of course!) – listening to the Top 40 on BBC Radio 1. I remember being pretty miffed if we left Nan and Grandad’s late and I found I’d missed some of the show. But, equally, I was also put out if we arrived home before the all-important No.1 had been announced. It was clearly all about priorities (well, I was heading towards being a teenager!).

When Grandad died, Nan sold the house and moved in with my uncle, which was even further away. We visited Nan when we could and she often came and stayed with us.

Nan was quite a character. She always dyed her hair and we never knew what colour she’d choose next time – whether it would be blonde, brown, red, orange, yellow or blue! She also drew her eyebrows on and sometimes she’d ‘miss’ a little so one would be much higher than the other. But that’s what we loved about her and she was so generous, always buying presents for us. I can recall a bright yellow tea set that she bought me once when I was little. I don’t think it cost very much, but to me it was priceless and gave me hours of fun.

Though, I hate to say it, I wasn’t always grateful for her presents. One particular Christmas, she had promised me a Barbie bed. I was so excited and counted down the hours for when she and Grandad were due to come and stay. Mum and Dad had brought me up with manners and so although I was dancing with excitement inside and couldn’t wait to see my present and rip it open, I sat patiently and waited until it was ‘officially’ present opening time. As soon as I saw the package, I knew it wasn’t a Barbie bed; it wasn’t anywhere near big enough. I wondered what it could be. A Barbie armchair? A Barbie bedside cabinet? All sorts of ideas went through my mind. But I didn’t guess what it turned out to be – a revolving unicorn ornament, which played the most awful music! I was not impressed, but when I look back now, I can see she really thought it was something special and, in her eyes, so much better than a Barbie bed.

Nan had various health issues – arthritis, diabetes and glaucoma, but I always thought she’d be here. I was convinced she would receive a telegram from the Queen. So when she was suddenly rushed into hospital, it came as a shock. She died not long after from septicaemia.

It took me a while to get over her death, but I like to think of her and Grandad, up in heaven, reunited and smiling as they are in this photo.  

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Can You Tell A Story In…

I’ll be back with my short story challenge soon. In the meantime, Lance Greenfield is holding my Monday and Thursday challenges if you’d like to take part. You’ll find him at https://lancegreenfield.wordpress.com/

I also promised I’d publish all your wonderful five-word stories from several months ago. Well, here they are.

The prompts were:

KISS

SANDWICH

DEODORANT

Darlene:

A kiss, just one kiss.

Throw me a kiss goodbye.

Kisses and lies, all lies.

She killed for a kiss.

Kisses to last a lifetime.

Sarah Davies:

Deodorant upside down, dregs salvaged.

Rolled deodorant, healthier than sprayed.

Cat spray deodorant not invented.

Feline deodorant millions yet unclaimed.

Eva Hnizdo:

Kiss me in 5 words.

His kiss melted me completely.

kiss me instead of talking.

AutoCorrect changes kiss to kill.

Kim Smyth:

Give me a butterfly kiss.

The kiss of death; negligence!

Ritu:

And then he kissed me

Sandwiched between two bumbling buffoons!

Want to borrow my deodorant?

Christine Mallaband-Brown:

Kiss:

She blew a kiss, sadly.

My kiss seals the deal!

A chocolate kiss, really lovely.

Where oceans kiss? Crossword clue.

Gently kiss my lovers hand…

Sandwich :

Fishfinger and custard sandwich… Who?

Cheers for the birthday sandwich.

Predictive text sandwich or photograph.

Knuckle sandwich? Bunch of fives!

Club sandwich, tiny lunch option.

Cheese and lemon sandwich? Never!

Deodorant :

Strong and spicy mens deodorant.

Deodorant, no cork in nose!

Deodorant for land fill needed!

Gorgonzola requires strong cheese deodorant!

72 hour deodorant? New invention!

Keith Channing:

Kiss? Deodorant in a sandwich!

Lance Greenfield:

Croque Monsieur: nice toasted sandwich.

Croque Madame: egg topped sandwich.

Favourite sandwich? Sausage and marmalade.

Deodorant: Thou shall not smell.

Kiss me here . . . and here!

Where to kiss me next?

Sandwich: an original Cinque Port.

Passionate kisses lead to more.

Your kisses raise my temperature.

Smooth and deep French kissing.

Stork bites and angel kisses.

When riled, Theo would rant.

Dark sky? Sand which stormed.

Eskimo kisses involve rubbing noses.

Air kisses are posh mwahs.

Your kisses weaken my knees.

Paul Mastaglio:

Sealed with a kiss. Swoon!

A kiss on both cheeks.

After every kiss use mouthwash!

A cheese and ham sandwich.

A ham and cheese sandwich.

Try a different sandwich. Please!

This deodorant smells appalingly bad.

Some deodorant are too strong.

Embrace smelly, ditch the deodorant!

Val Fish:

I’m missing grandson’s sloppy kisses.

Postman’s’ Knock; my first kiss.

Mum and dad are kissing; Yuck!

Linking People 2003:

Death kissed her during surgery.

Oxytocin helps to love, kiss.

Autistic kisses mechanically without love.

Gastric kissing ulcers after trauma.

Sandwich culture in Britain continues.

Alternate formal, practical – sandwich course.

Perfume is a better deodorant.

Mask culture reduced deodorant use.

***

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Laughing Along With A Limerick

In my recent blog post, I mentioned that I’d be back with my challenges soon. In the meantime, Lance Greenfield is holding my Monday and Thursday challenges if you’d like to take part. You’ll find him at https://lancegreenfield.wordpress.com/

I also promised I’d publish all your wonderful limericks from several months ago. Well, here they are.

The prompts were:

PAIN

HEAL

NURSE

Keith Channing:

The dogs needed walking again

So I had to go out in the rain.

It would be okay

On a sunnier day

But this is a regular pain!


My shoemaker told me that he’ll

Give comfort from toe right to heel.

But each homophone

Grates right to the bone;

Those old blisters may never heal.


Nurses and doctors won’t stay

Unless they receive decent pay.

Rewards may accrue,

Some thank-you is due –

Even a fine cabernet.


No self-respecting young nurse

Uses a camel-skin purse.

Regarding the rest,

Sow’s ear is best

Even if slightly perverse.

Ritu:

“Ooh, Matron,” the patient said again

“Say that once more, and I’ll inflict pain!”

“But, Nurse, you’re meant to heal”

“Not when you cop a feel.

Patients like you, quite the bane!”

Cathy Wattam:

With your shoulder, you must be in pain

Needing invasive surgery again,

I do hope you heal fast

So your pain doesn’t last

And you don’t get a nurse who’s insane!

Kim Smyth:

There once was a lady in pain

Which was made worse by the rain

The doctor did say

She needed rest for a day

So the surgery wasn’t in vain!

Christine Mallaband-Brown:

I really feel your pain

I know it must be a strain

To live with a shoulder

That makes you feel older

So your health is restored again.


After surgery it takes time to heal

It can be a very big deal

Muscles are knitting

And a sling it needs fitting

For a few weeks at least – not ideal!


You need a very good nurse

So you recover, not get worse.

So rest up your shoulder

And then you’ll get bolder

And resume your writing of verse.


I hope the nurse treats you well

And any pain they can quell

You recover full strength

At no long length

your hospital stay a short spell!

Trent’s World:

Esther has a date with doctor and nurse

Hopefully to heal the shoulder pain curse

I have naught to say

Being an ocean away

I have to send my well wishes in verse.


A limerick with depth is a pain

Trying to cram it all in is insane

But I’ll try my best

While you heal and rest

And maybe your smile I’ll gain.

Paul Mastaglio:

Thought you’d done away with pain

But I guess it’s back again

Try opening another folder

Might have a new shoulder

Then you’ll be right as rain!


The shoulder will heal

I’m certain, I feel

You’re on the right track

In no time, you’ll be back

If not, you can always appeal!


You couldn’t do any worse

Than employ a nurse

Someone to care

Who could be right there

And that’s the end of my verse!

The Hidden Edge:

Help! I’m in need of a nurse,

This pain is getting much worse,

If it doesn’t heal,

I might just repeal,

Instead, call straight for the hearse!

Linking People2013:

No pain, no gain, they say,

Be disciplined and obey,

God will heal,

Just go through the ordeal,

Nurse will also pray!

Lance Greenfield:

For Esther

Her surgeon’s name was Socrates,

Who studied under Hypocrates.

Her nurse was Jane,

Who soothed her pain.

With friends like these, she’ll heal with ease . ..

. . . and, if my dream comes true, we’ll all be pleased!


Her surgeon’s name was Harry.

In theatre he did not tarry.

In full command,

His healing hands,

Soon had Esther as happy as Larry.


For my Dad

Happy Birthday Bony Tony,

Always straight and never phoney.

Two years departed,

Still never outsmarted.

Let’s party with pizza calzone.

Ruth Scribbles:

I once had a PAIN in my heel

The NURSE said there’s nothing to feel

I limped and I groaned

I groused and I moaned

The pain in my heel better HEAL???

Sarian Lady:

To look at my face is a pain.

The mirror should go down the drain.

A wrinkle, a blemish,

And I’m off to the chemist.

I wish I wasn’t so vain.


Can anyone, I appeal?

My broken heart to heal.

On dating apps,

I’ll find perhaps

Someone to make my head reel.


How I love a kind nurse.

I’ll explain it all in this verse.

Bed baths and pills,

To cure all my ills.

Rather than go off in a hearse.

Val Fish:

Pushing and panting for all I was worth

The pain was like nothing on earth

But I’d do it over again

Despite all that pain

That’s the miracle of childbirth.


I’ve a pain that won’t go away

It’s with me every hour of the day

But I made my bed

When I stupidly said

I would love honour and obey.

***

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Thank You

This is a message to say thank you to everyone who has been asking after me. I’m doing well after my shoulder operation and I’m getting there slowly.

I do hope to be back blogging soon, but in the meantime, Lance Greenfield is holding my Monday and Thursday challenges if you’d like to take part. You’ll find him at https://lancegreenfield.wordpress.com/

Enjoy the summer and I’ll see you soon!

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Can You Tell A Story In…

It’s Thursday and your new five-word challenge is here. As I’m going to be out of action after my surgery, here are three prompts to keep you going. I’ll publish all your stories when I’m recovered and back blogging.

Prompts:

KISS

SANDWICH

DEODORANT

Here are your STAMP stories from last week:

Kim Smyth:

Dad loaned me a stamp.

My card needed a stamp.

Stamp received. Card sent off!

Ritu:

He stamped on my heart.

Stamps are bloody expensive nowadays!

Hand stamped. Nightclub entrance guaranteed!

Christine Mallaband-Brown:

Stamp out motorbike theft now!

Your stamp of approval please?

Stamp your feet, it’s cold.

best treasure? Penny Black stamp!

She stamped on his toe!

A postage stamp sized garden.

Keith Channing:

Stick To All Mail, Please.

Lance Greenfield:

Stamp thefts – Police arrest male.

Butterfly stamps and palace disappears.

The camp tramp stamped daintily.

Screaming Violet Elizabeth Bott stamped.

Rubber stamps can be fun.

Travelling stamp stuck in corner.

Every stamp tells a story.

Stamp out spread of viruses.

Stories need stamp of approval.

Food stamps are history now.

My passport: my stamp collection.

EDC Writing:

Stamps, licked, steamed off, displayed.

Paul Mastaglio:

Post late. Second class stamp!

Ruth Scribbles:

I’ll stamp my feet forever!!

Linking People 2003:

Sir Rowland Hill invented stamp.

Knighted for inventing postage stamp.

First adhesive postage stamp, 1837.

Queen Victoria’s head on stamp.

Penny Black Stamp for penny.

Don’t stamp feet instead breath.

Passport needs valid visa stamp.

Stamp on visa invalidates it.

Inky franking mark invalidates stamp.

Invalidated stamp cannot be reused.

Stamp with signature needed officially.

Articles have company logo stamp.

Fructochlorophyll will have SunShineSwasth stamp.

Medals were stamped with dies.

Cricketing ability stamps him valuable.

Leaders stamp authority on team.

Project has stamp of authority.

Soldiers’ stamp of boots seen!

Government did stamp out corruption!

And here are some stories from Tessa on the prompt FRUIT from the previous week:

I don’t consume enough fruit.

I love fresh fruit salad.

My favorite fruit is bananas.

***

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Laughing Along With A Limerick

It’s Monday and limerick time. I’m giving you three prompts this week. Unfortunately, I’ve got to have some more shoulder surgery, so I’ll be out of action for a while. But I’d love to see your limericks so please send them in to give me a smile. I’ll publish them all when I’m back blogging again.

PAIN

HEAL

NURSE

Here are a few limericks to make you smile this Monday. The prompt last week was TRAIN.

Keith Channing:

Train for the race, I was told;

Running, you’ll never grow old.

And so I agreed;

I did my best speed.

Now I’m just knackered and cold!

Ritu:

Now, that really is a pain

Can’t believe I did it again

Just a tad too much booze

So I had a snooze

And I’ve gone and missed my train!

Cathy Wattam:

As an actor, I do like to train

Caped crusaders are often my game

I auditioned as Robin

But ended up sobbin’

Because I was cast as Bruce Wayne.

There once was a man in the rain

Who had waited so long for a train

That his clothes were all soaked

And a passenger joked

That he looked like he lived down a drain.

It is a real bugbear of mine

That I can’t find a train that’s on time

So I stand here and wait

Know full well I’ll be late

It’s always those leaves on the line.

There’s one thing I’d like to explain,

I get kind of frisky on trains

I’m a great womanizer

Yes, I am the train driver

But I’ve yet to find someone complain!

When you are riding a train

It’s best not to take your Cocaine

The train might be busy

And you’re feeling dizzy

The question is – are you insane?

Kim Smyth:

More people should ride the train

It would keep them out of the rain

The roads less clogged

Their minds less fogged

Once working they’d use more of their brain!

Christine Mallaband-Brown:

An 0-6-0 train in steam

Makes my hubby smile and beam

The Flying Scotsman?

He is a real Fan!

Driving it, that is his dream!

Trent’s World:

Beth married the conductor of a train

So her wedding dress had a forty-foot train

It wasn’t much fun

The thing weighed a ton

To wear it she had to exercise and train.

Bob trained real hard in vault

But the virus put the games to a halt

Go home and pout

For Tokyo is out

Not getting the gold isn’t your fault.

Paul Mastaglio:

Let the train

Take the strain

No more car

For those trips afar

Enjoy your day and return home again.

The Hidden Edge:

The amazing red head, Mary Jane,

Knew not that Spiderman stopped the train,

Her trust was slighted;

Their love was blighted,

Swallowing pride is not what she’d deign!

Lance Greenfield:

My owner thinks I’m just really dumb.

But truly, I’m having great fun.

On “Stay!” I run,

And I leave on “Come!”

Training treats are filling my tum!

We boarded a train going to Delhi.

The driver was giving it welly.

We’d not been going long

Before we were singing this song:

We’re going too fast! Our legs are shaking like jelly!

We all went out for a dinner in Staines.

I chose chicken Madras for my main.

The weather was foggy.

And my rice was all soggy,

So I sent the dish back to re-strain.

Linking People2013:

Education is to train the mind to think,

Station master minds the train without a blink!

School master trains the mind,

Former minds, the latter trains and is kind!

Freight train or camel train, train the camera to click!

Ruth Scribbles:

I wish I were riding a train

Instead I got caught in the rain

I ran really fast

Went down in a splat

The concussion they say hurt my brain.

Sarian Lady:

I once had to rack my brain,

Whilst travelling home on the train.

I thought and I thought,

‘Till my nerves became fraught.

No ideas, it was all in vain.

Val Fish:

I got caught with a fine on the train

Whilst drunk, pulled the emergency chain

There’s no excuse

For improper use

Note to self; next time engage brain!

***

Funny work quotes for nurses Funny nurses tshirts hilarious and  inspirational quote i call | Dogtrainingobedienceschool.com
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A Poem For Friday

Many of you know Lance Greenfield and I’m delighted to welcome him to my ‘A Poem for Friday’ slot. Before you read his sensual poem, here’s a little bit about him:

Lance is the author of two self-published novels in the ‘inspirational fiction’ genre. He got into writing by submitting reviews as part of the BBC RAW (Read and Write) campaign a few years ago. There was huge enthusiasm for his reviews, so he resolved to post reviews for every book that he reads on his personal blog, Write to Inspire. He now just loves to write anything from flash fiction to poetry to short stories.

Although he has been writing poetry all of his life, he never shared any of his poems from the time that his English teacher told him that his poetry was rubbish when he was only eight years old until he was encouraged by a tutor at the Swanwick Writers’ Summer School in 2016 to read one of his poems. Since then, his natural flow of verse from his pen has been unstoppable.

Wearing Silk

By

Lance Greenfield

Before I open my eyes,

I see you.

I feel you.

I slip out of bed,

Naked, yet enveloped by you.

I slip on my running shorts,

My shirt, my socks.

But I am already wearing you,

Like a silk cloak.

You envelope me.

You wrap yourself around me.

I am inside you.

As I stretch and start to run,

I feel you,

Soft against my skin,

Strong, soft silk.

My cadence becomes your rhythm.

As I push myself up the first hill,

I wrap myself around you,

Like a silk cloak.

I envelope you.

I wrap myself around you.

You are inside me.

You feel me,

Soft against your skin,

Strong, soft silk.

We are sheets of strong, soft silk,

Intertwined.

Inseparable.

A strong wind tries to rip us apart,

But we merge: a silk banner,

Blowing in the gale,

Defying the storm.

We are so closely bound that

Not even the fiercest maelstrom could rip us apart.

Our every ripple, every wave,

Is as one.

We are together,

Forever.

I wear you like silk.

You wear me like silk.

I am inside you,

And you in me.

We are bonded: a strong silk sash,

Forever.

***

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