I Challenge You To…

This week’s challenge is to write a story, limerick or poem on the subject of:

Food

Last week’s theme was phone calls. Here are some of the brilliant pieces you sent in:

Keith Channing sent in a belter:

The phone rang, then twice, then a third
I picked up, but nothing was heard
Then some strange wench
Starts speaking in French
Didn’t understand one blessed word.

Please take a look at Mws R Writings‘ website for a lovely piece:

https://mwsrwritings.wordpress.com/2018/07/19/phone-calls-i-challenge-you-challenge/

Ladyleemanila has written a prose piece this week. Please visit her blog to it:

https://ladyleemanilablog.wordpress.com/2018/07/21/i-challenge-you-to-phone-calls/https://ladyleemanilablog.wordpress.com/2018/07/12/i-challenge-you-to-the-pub/

An enormous welcome to Jordan who has written about her father’s relationship with the phone:

https://desertrose.blog/2018/07/19/abraham-and-the-phone/

Here is a thought-provoking piece on phones from Anne Copeland:

Phone calls

I miss the years past when phones were special. To get a phone call from anyone was something that one could truly look forward to, and we didn’t text; if you needed to write a message, you would send a letter or a telegram.

The telephone would ring, and we could pick it up, and on the other end it was always a wonderful surprise to have the other person suddenly there and hear their voice in a very different way. I loved having to actually dial the number with my fingers, a truly sensual experience, and to hold the receiver in my hand. I often think of how wonderful it must have been when the first phones came into use. Can you imagine how special you would be to own a telephone? There was a whole community created thru going to a location in town where there was a telephone, or calling an operator who relayed the messages.

If it weren’t for needing to make phone calls in emergencies I would return to “landlines.” Even the name, phone line, has now been degraded to a name that makes no sense. Are there sea lines or lake lines? Landlines sounds like something straight out of WWII.

I don’t like the way people have abbreviated the whole language into a bunch of letters. I am a human being, not something that speaks only in letters. It’s bad enough that no one writes a real letter anymore, but either “messages,” or posts on the temmunications in my younger days was an art; getting a phone call was special and getting a letter was a gift.

So many things we used so many years ago have been replaced. I wish I could travel back in time . . .

And a gem from Martin Strike:

 

MOBILE GROANS

 

Thank you for calling O-Deux-Fone – part of the O-Deux-Fone Group UK: keeping your eyes and ears in touch.

Hello. I’ve got question abo…

Did you know that the answers to most questions can be found on our website at www.0defo.co.uk  and clicking on the ‘answers to most questions’ toggle.

If I wanted to do that I wouldn’t be phoning would I! Streuth, I’m getting cross with a machine.

Calls to this number are charged at 15p per minute, with a minimum charge of £3. Calling from a mobile may cost more.

That’s extortion – it’s your bloody mobile I’m calling from! 

In the unlikely event of our informative ‘answers to most questions’ toggle not satisfying your enquiry, and you insist on speaking to one of our highly trained partners, say ‘Yes’. If not, please hang up.

Yes.

I’m sorry. I didn’t understand that. If you would like to speak to one of our highly trained partners, say ‘Yes’, if not, please hang up.

Yes!

You said ‘Yes’. If this is correct please say ‘Yes’, otherwise, please hang up.

YES!

OK. Let’s get you through to some help, quickly. In order to speak to a highly trained partner most suited to deal with your enquiry, please select from the following options.

hate this.

I’m sorry. I didn’t understand that. Say ‘Yes’, otherwise, please hang up.

YES! YES! YES!

You said ‘Yes’. Please make sure that you listen to all of the options as some of these have changed.

No they haven’t – you want me to listen to them all and pay more for this call.

Before I give you the options, please be aware that at 0-Deux-Fone – part of the O-Deux-Fone Group UK: keeping your eyes and ears in touch, we consider customer enthralment to be our priority and your birthright. Your feedback is important to us, so at the end of this call you may take part in a short survey, which should take no longer than 15 minutes. Participation will place you in our monthly draw to win a valuable set of 0-Deux-Fone – part of the O-Deux-Fone Group UK: keeping your eyes and ears in touch, breast pumps.  No purchase necessary. Your signal may go down as well as up and you may lose your house if you do not purchase the 0-Deux-Fone – part of the O-Deux-Fone Group UK: keeping your eyes and ears in touch, Gas Leak Detection app. To take part in our survey, press or say ‘one’. Otherwise, please hold.


Bloody survey? – no chance.

I’m sorry. I didn’t understand that. To take part in our survey, press or say ‘one’. Otherwise, please hold…

….

…OK. You have chosen not to enter our survey on this occasion, though you may be asked to do so on future calls. Now, let’s get you through to some help, quickly.

At last.

For sales – press option 1.

Pah!

To purchase any 0-Deux-Fone – part of the O-Deux-Fone Group UK: keeping your eyes and ears in touch, merchandise – such as monogrammed duffle coats, coasters or beanie hats – it’s 2.

But I only want to talk to someone about my bloody phone.

Press 3 for our contact details.

Obviously I know these or I couldn’t call you!

If you would like to transfer your existing mobile contract to 0-Deux-Fone – part of the O-Deux-Fone Group UK: keeping your eyes and ears in touch, press 4.

If you would like to leave positive feedback about 0-Deux-Fone – part of the O-Deux-Fone Group UK: keeping your eyes and ears in touch, or any of its subsidiaries, press 5.

For anything else, just press 6.

To listen to all of these options again, press 7.

God no! 6. Thank you.

To enable one of our highly trained partners to assist you promptly, please enter the number of the mobile you are calling about, then press the ampersand symbol.

What the hell is the ampersand symbol?

Remember to start your number with the relevant International Dialling Code. For example, prefix with 0084 if dialling from Vietnam, 00598 from Uruguay and 810992 from Tajikistan. For a full list of Dialling Codes, including the UK, simply hang up and dial 0845-45789 for an alphabetical list of countries. 

Bastards!

You have entered no number. Please wait for a highly trained partner to become free.

This is a farce!

We are experiencing an unnaturally high volume of calls at the moment. 

If you employed enough staff and your service wasn’t so shit, you wouldn’t be having so many irate callers!

Rest assured that your call is important to us. You will answered by the next available highly trained partner. Please hold the line. In the meantime we at any 0-Deux-Fone – part of the O-Deux-Fone Group UK: keeping your eyes and ears in touch, believe in customer choice. Please select from the following background music:

Press 1 for Greensleeves.

Press 2 for ‘Spring’ by Vivaldi.

Press 3 for ‘Passengers’ by Elton John.


But I hate them all. Oh, I don’t know, 2.

You have selected ‘Spring’ by Vivaldi. This is provided to you by 0-Tunes – part of the O-Deux-Fone Group UK: keeping your eyes and ears in touch, and will show as a 50p fee on your next bill.

What! You must be jok…

Good morning, and thank you for calling O-Deux-Fone – part of the O-Deux-Fone Group UK: keeping your eyes and ears in touch. I’m sorry for any delay you have experienced today, my name is Sandra. How may I help you today?

Err, are you a real person, Sandra?

I certainly am, sir, and eager to assist you. I am fully trained in dealing with any aspect of broadband, land lines, internet connections, CyanogenMod, aeronautics, plate tectonics and the recipe for mammy’s cottage pie. I have a 100% customer satisfaction rating in all these areas, except the cottage pie, as one customer misheard my advising ‘a drop of Worcester sauce’ for ‘a drop of Worcester pottery’ so destroying a valuable teapot before perforating his duodenum swallowing a shard of broken spout. 

 Ha! An operative, sorry highly trained partner, with a sense of humour. It’s so nice to speak to someone helpful on these wretched call centres and not be asked permission to call me ‘Michael’, or if I’m ‘having a nice day’ or even ‘how’s the weather where I am.’

Oh, sir, you are so charming and funny. I know exactly what you mean and promise I won’t do that. 

Ha Ha!

Ha Ha, indeed. Now, how can I be of assistance?

It’s a simple one really, Sandra, about my mobile phone…

Ah, let me stop you there, sir. For mobile phone queries I will need to transfer you to another department. 

But, Sandra… 

I know. And we were getting on so well too.

It’s more than that – you seemed to be both competent and willing to help – please see if you can, I don’t think it’s a difficult problem.

In line with our Customer Relationship Agreement Policy, I must terminate my involvement with your enquiry, but will put you through to the correct team who, I assure you, will be able to assist. Goodbye…did you say, Michael? I’m putting you through now.

Yes. It’s Michael… Hey, this isn’t Vivaldi!

You have selected ‘Greensleeves’ by the Spalding Pan Pipers. This is provided to you by 0-Tunes – part of the O-Deux-Fone Group UK: keeping your eyes and ears in touch, and will show as a 50p fee on your next bill.

What! You must be jok…

Gud Affernoooon. My name is Xmahthajhj; could I ask after yore nomniture?

Huh? My name? It’s Michael.

Gleetings Ishmael. Can I call yous Ishmael?  

My name is Michael.

Mischael?

No, M – I – C- oh, don’t worry. Let’s just get on with it. 

Thank yous, Mr Schael. Are yous having a lovaly day? Mr Schael. 

Frankly, I’m not. I’ve already spent 10 minutes on this call and got nowhere, at god knows what cost to me. Can you please just get on with it?

On behalves of 0-Da-Fone – part of the O-Da-Fone Groupee: kelping your eyes and arse in touche, I sincinkly, hubbly apolomise, Mr Schael, for delying yous. How is the weather being where yous is? 

None of your business!

Oh Mr Schael. I apolomise for my impertinancing. How can I be assisting?

It’s my mobile.

Ah, Mr Schael. Your mobile.

Yes. Whenever I…

What is ‘mobile’, Mr Schael?

Mobile! You know… Handset?

Ah, Mr Schael. Cell fone, 

Yes, OK, cell phone.

Mr Schael – you need cell fone deportment.

Yes, I know I do. That’s you.

Naw, naw. Many blessings to you, Mr Schael, but we’s not cell fones, we’s  broadleband.

What? But Sandra put me though to mobiles?

Mobiles, Mr Schael?

MOBILES! BLOODY MOBILES! LET ME SPEAK TO SOMEONE ABOUT MOBILES.  M..O..B..I..L..E..S! AND WHILST I’M AT IT, MY NAME IS NOT MR SCHAEL.

Oh, I am deepeningly apolomising for my misundertooding, Not Mr Schael.

Look. That’s very nice, but please – just let me talk to someone in charge. NOW!

 Yes, Not Mr Schael. I putting you to my boss, very nice man, you like– very nice man. 

At last. Thank you.

You have selected ‘Passengers’ by Elton John. This is provided to you by 0-Tunes – part of the O-Deux-Fone Group UK: keeping your eyes and ears in touch, and will show as a 50p fee on your next bill.

AGHHHH!

Hello? Are you alright?

I’m better now that rubbish song’s stopped.

Oh, it was Elton was it, sir? Enough said. My name is Charles, manager of the call centre of O-Deux-Fone, which, and I’m sorry about this, I’m duty-bound to tell you, is part of the O-Deux-Fone Group UK.

I know – ‘keeping my eyes and ears in touch!’ 

Rubbish isn’t it. Sounds more like a recipe for conjunctivitis than a strap line.

True! I’m glad I’m talking to a manager; I have a simple query and now a list of complaints!

I’m afraid I’ll have to terminate this conversation now, Sir. Our customer service charter allows for a maximum of 1,700 words per call, and you have reached your limit – apart from one word….precisely….now.

….

Hello?

 

***

fridge

Photo credit: pinterest.com

This entry was posted in Challenges, Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to I Challenge You To…

  1. I asked her
    For a juicy pear.
    Of course I meant fruit to buy
    But she gave me a black eye.
    Dear reader, please tell me why …!

  2. Reblogged this on ladyleemanila and commented:
    phone calls round-up 🙂

  3. Pingback: I Challenge You To… Food – Ladyleemanila

  4. Reblogged this on Keith Kreates! and commented:
    Esther’s latest challenge

  5. We’re spending this week in our camper,
    It was that, or a spa for a pamper
    Although quite good looking,
    It’s too hot for cooking.
    Can anyone send us a hamper?

  6. Jason Moody says:

    Whenever I’m in a mood
    I turn to my dear friend, food.
    The feeling does pass
    Adding weight to my ass
    Next time, one portion, not two

  7. Jason Moody says:

    Burgers and chicken and
    Chips
    Taste lovely but sit on my hips
    It drives me insane
    ‘Cos I’m hungry again
    Now where is that packet of crisps?

  8. Pingback: Hurray for National Milk Chocolate Day | Simplicity Lane

  9. Steve says:

    I just posted a wholesome/delicious and holiday celebrating food poem on Simplicity Lane. 🙂
    https://simplicitylane.wordpress.com/2018/07/27/hurray-for-national-milk-chocolate-day/

  10. Anne Copeland says:

    I wish I could remember wonderful memories of good times with family
    But that was not to be.
    But what I do remember is the food you made.
    It was the food that nourished not only body
    But that of soul.
    You were proud of being an excellent cook.
    And you constantly cooked wonderful foods
    That most of my friends never heard of.
    Kidney stew, Prune Whip, Blueberry Dumplings, Fruitcake with Hard Sauce.
    The list went on and on
    And you could probably have written a cookbook.
    But you never did.
    I wish I could have remembered your cooking
    With sharing and love and laughter shared as we ate
    But I never did.
    I wish we had all been able to communicate openly
    As we shared about your cooking and how wonderful a food artist you were.
    But we never did.

    • What a lovely piece – and what interesting dihses!

      • Anne Copeland says:

        Thank you kindly, Esther. My mom and grandma were good cooks – mom much better than grandma, but they took their recipes with them to the grave. I only learn from cookbooks today and from trying what I think would be the same sort of things. This was a good exercise.

  11. Rajiv says:

    I have to get back into this!

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