Laughing Along With A Limerick

I hope you all had a good weekend. Here’s a new limerick challenge to kick-start your week.

Your new word is:

LUNCH

Your challenge last week was to write a limerick using the word SLEEP in it somewhere. You came up with some very amusing limericks:

Keith Channing:

Sleep never comes, try as I might.

Long day precedes much longer night.

Each hour I’m awake,

Each effort I make —

Perhaps I should give up the fight.

Kim Smyth:

Once there was a girl seeking sleep

She was so exhausted she could weep

She tried a pill first

But that made it worse

Magic puffs made her sleep deep.

Christine Mallaband-Brown:

There was a presidential man

Who had a very orange tan…

On trial he would sleep

In the land of nod, deep!

Then he awoke in a security van!

Richmond Road:

Don’t think of me, darling, as cheap

One must hurry for what’s worth to keep

And nobody knows

If we take off our clothes

In our head, in our bed, as we sleep.

Nicola Daly:

The infamous witch of Carlisle

Went to bed with a sinister smile

What she dreamed in her sleep

Made everyone weep

As they bunny-hopped a whole mile!

TanGental:

I’ve heard tell you should count sheep

if you’re finding it hard to sleep.

But I’m left in a stew

while chasing some ewe (or two)

And end up, tired, in a sweaty old heap.

Val Fish:

I’m sick and tired of  counting sheep

Over fences they gaily leap

But it’s all in vain

Driving me insane

How I wish I could get some sleep!

Lance Greenfield:

His ashes waft around Kinder Scout,

Where ghosts of ramblers roam about.

He jumps and leaps

And never sleeps.

Bony Tony’s spirit, forever walks out.

Treehugger:

Flop into my feather bed to sleep,

I lie curled up in a heap.

Drift off to far off places,

Meeting folk of different races.

What wonderful dreams to keep.

Richard Felix:

A lady had trouble to sleep,

Her hubby was snoring like sheep.

She brandished a bat,

And whacked him, at that!

Now both of them snooze in the deep.

***

Guest Writer Spot

It’s Friday already and so it’s time for my guest writer slot. It gives me great pleasure to welcome back Murray Clarke. Murray has been a guest with his entertaining stories a few times. I’m sure you’ll enjoy his latest tale every bit as much as the others.

If you’d like to be a guest on my blog, please get in touch: estherchilton@gmail.com. Poems can be up to 60 lines and prose 2000 words. If you’d like to add a short bio and photo, then great.

Now, onto the story:

Come Fly With Me

By

Murray Clarke

‘You have control . . . Captain.’

‘I have control,’ I confirm.

Ever since I was a young boy and Dad showed me how to assemble a plastic model Spitfire, I’ve always wanted to be a pilot. To fly through the air, free as a bird! How brilliant would that be! I was highly delighted when a modest win on the lottery enabled my parents to fund the £100,000 needed for my training to become a Commercial Pilot!

I’ll never forget the day I first flew solo in a dual controlled Cessna. Mum and Dad were so proud of me! I was pretty chuffed too! Later, I was awarded my PPL – Private Pilots Licence, and well on the way to fulfilling my dreams.

Fast forward to today, and I’m sitting at the controls of a Boeing Triple Seven 300 – Captain William Barnard at your service! It’s a very impressive, wide-bodied aircraft, capable of carrying over 300 passengers. The 777 is Boeing’s first state-of-the-art “fly-by-wire” aeroplane. No pressure then! I’m certainly finding it quite a challenge!

I yawn loudly.

‘Late night, was it?’ asks my First Officer, the co-pilot, sitting in the seat to my right.

‘Newborn baby,’ I lie. Truth is, me and some of the lads from the Cricket Club had a few too many beers last night, and I didn’t get to bed till the early hours of the morning. My head’s pounding, and I’m struggling to keep awake.

I stare at the bewildering array of cockpit dials, knobs and switches in front of me, and try to stay focussed. Today, we are flying from JFK, New York, to LHR, London Heathrow – the UK’s busiest airport. However, the flight is not without its problems. Firstly, somewhere over the Atlantic, the Number One engine bursts into flames. We’ve only got two. Then we lose air pressure in the passenger cabin. If that’s not enough, the autopilot switches off, and there’s nothing I can do to restore it. I have no choice but to fly the aircraft manually. Fortunately, the engine and cabin pressure faults turn out to be nothing more than false alarms, thank God!

Later in the flight, I fail to notice a severe weather warning ahead, and instead of navigating around it, fly straight through the centre of a mega thunderstorm. Talk about bad turbulence!  

The end of the flight can’t come soon enough.

We finally cross the coast of the British Isles and adjust our heading towards LHR. Gradually, we begin our descent towards the capital. Suddenly, with just over 100 miles to go, we run into a nimbostratus low cloud base. This causes me extra stress, but, mercifully, a few minutes later, the weather improves and we have clear visibility. I can see the runway in the distance.

We’re now on the Final Approach and ATC, Air Traffic Control, gives us permission to land on Runway 27 left. We’ve successfully completed our Final Checklist, including extending the flaps and lowering the undercarriage. The landing appears to be going well, until, less than 300 feet from the ground, the First Officer yells: ‘Too fast! Abort! Go-around! Go-around!’

I instinctively move the thrust levers forward and the aircraft soars upwards – at the same time retracting the landing gear.

A minute later, a Ground Proximity Warning fills the cockpit: “Pull up! Pull up! Pull up!”

Paralysed with fear, I see a high mountain range in front of us getting closer and closer . . . and closer. But it’s too late! A loud buzzer sounds. A red light flashes intermittently, and all the instruments go blank.

‘Oh dear!’ sighs the First Officer. ‘Three hundred and fifty passengers, ten cabin crew, and two pilots – all of them dead! Not to mention a multi-million pound aeroplane written off!

‘You can thank your lucky stars, you’re only training in a Flight Simulator!’ added my Instructor. ‘Shall we reset, and go back to the Final Approach? And this time – try not to kill anybody . . . Mr. Barnard!’

***

Can You Tell A Story In…

Hello, all. I hope you’re having a good week. Here’s a new story challenge for you:

Can you tell a story in 35 words? You must use the following words somewhere in the story:

• MURDER
• BANANA
• PEACOCK
• TICKLE
• PRICE

Last week’s prompt was to tell a story in 48 words using the following word in it somewhere:

• SHOVEL
• MOONWALK
• PINEAPPLE
• ELECTION
• FLU
• MAGNET

Here are your hilarious stories:

Trent’s World:

“Election season again!  The time when it flows so deep you need a shovel to move.  Want to see an 85 year-year-old moonwalk or a northerner hand out pineapples?  Just watch these would-be love-magnets!”

“Are you going to the debate or not?”

“Not tonight – I have the flu…”

Chris Page:

Having my flu jab was like being stabbed with the top end of a pineapple. It made me so ill that instead of feeling like a babe magnet when I did my moonwalk for the General election, I looked more like an old man bent over a shovel.

Kim Smyth:

Brenda stuck a picture under the fridge magnet. “Ugh! I can’t believe I have the flu during election week! Yesterday I felt good enough to do the moonwalk with a pineapple on my head. Now I feel like I got hit in the face with a flat shovel.”

Nicola Daly:

“Once upon a time there was an election. One of the candidates drew the crowds like a magnet. I mean, have you ever seen a pineapple moonwalk with a shovel?”

“Mummy, this story’s silly and doesn’t make sense.”

“That’s because I’m delirious and going down with the flu.”

Christine Mallaband-Brown:

“Take a shovel on your moonwalk,” she said. “Bury that old pineapple.” He opened the magnetic lock and set out over the lunar surface. But he sneezed. Oh no, astral flu! Not good in a spaceship! And tomorrow was election day. The lunar mayor would need his help!

Treehugger:

Deciding to shake off the ‘flu, I drove to my allotment, grabbed a shovel and started digging. I planted a pineapple tree. Noticing a sign for moonwalking to raise money for charity I was drawn in like a magnet. Flu forgotten, election forgotten, I faced my next challenge.

Squirreljan:

The election was a pigging disaster. Morris wore a pineapple hat on his head, tried to moonwalk on a shovel, and still had flu. Although he remained a voting magnet with the British Saddlebacks, the disgusted Middle Whites and Berkshires changed allegiance. He lost by a substantial margin.

Tessa Dean:

My flu symptoms were getting worse. As I was attempting to do the moonwalk, dizziness overtook me. I tripped over a shovel and landed on a pineapple. I knocked the election ballot and the magnet holding it up onto the floor. I bent over to pick it up.

Sharron P:

“I’ve got the flu!” she spluttered, her eyes magnetically drawn to the huge crowd. “I’m going home. Look, just vote for me in this damn election. When I’m better I’ll do anything you want. Walk around with a pineapple on my head, shovel horse poo, anything at all!”

***

Writing Prompts

This week’s writing prompt is:

DREAMS

Do you have a dream you yearn to fulfil? Maybe yours has come true. Or perhaps you’ve had strange, funny or recurring dreams. But not everyone remembers their dreams, so you could write something fictional and give your characters all sorts of interesting dreams.

You don’t have to share your work, but I always enjoy seeing what you come up with if the prompt gives you inspiration. Your last prompt was FAVOURITE FOODS.  Here are a couple of mouthwatering treats:

Kim Smyth:

I guess I’ve been a connoisseur of hamburgers all my life. My parents would take us to a nice restaurant and ask me what I wanted. A hamburger every time. They would roll their eyes in astonishment, wondering why I never wanted to try something new. I wanted only to taste a different burger. How was theirs made, in other words? Was a different restaurant’s burger the same as the last, or better?

So it is still this day. As much as I eat Mexican food, my favorite night of the week is burger night. (usually made at home by my loving spouse!) I used to love Burger King Whoppers, but soon learned that was not the best ever burger. I have to split my vote here between the most unhealthy, but best burger I ever ate and craved was when Jack in the Box had the Sourdough Grilled Burger. Mm mm, I can still remember how incredibly delicious and totally sinful that burger was. Another time in our travels, I finally had a Carl’s Jr burger. It ran a close second. Messy, but delicious! I’m sure all those trips with my parents I had enjoyed a fancier, more expensive burger (maybe not, I can’t remember) but these two remain my favs.

Christine Mallaband-Brown:

Ask me my favourite food? Trifle. I make my own. Sugar free fruit jelly layer with raspberries or blueberries added I sometimes add sherry or port. Let that set. Then a blancmange either raspberry or chocolate with sweetner not sugar (much nicer than custard). Finally whipped double cream on top, it can have grated chocolate or maraschino cherries on top. Low sugar although not low fat. But delicious at Christmas or for a celibration.

***

Funny Of The Week

I think this may be slightly out of date…

Laughing Along With A Limerick

Happy Monday. I hope you all had a good weekend. Here’s a new limerick challenge to kick-start your week.

Your new word is:

SLEEP

Your challenge last week was to write a limerick using the word SPELL in it somewhere. You produced some great limericks:

Keith Channing:

Sinking into a new depth of hell,

Pretending I know how to spell.

Every word I dictate

Leads my brain to rotate

Like a horse on an old carousel.

Squirreljan:

To spell or not to spell, is what I ask

Should it be barf not bath, or marsk not mask?

Phonetics is a wordy trap

I want to give it such a slap

But laugh when AI can’t manage the task.

Kim Smyth:

Reading the Word causes a spell

Will I go to heaven or hell

Am I the person I’m supposed to be

Or should I do more to ascend to thee

I guess I’ll know when I hear the Bell.

Christine Mallaband-Brown:

It’s Beltane or Valpurges night

On the 30th of April, that’s right

When witches abound

And are flying around

Their Spells will give you a fright!

Trent’s World:

I was once hit by a magical spell

Instantly all my inhibitions fell

Things I did and said

Wow, I wish I was dead!

For ever since my life’s been Hell!

*

I hope you’re doing well

Come in and sit for a spell

I hope you agree

To have some tea

You’ll laugh at the news I’ll tell.

Nicola Daly:

There once was a witch from Carlisle

Walked around with a satisfied smile

She’d cast a bad spell

With a terrible smell

Which made everyone run for a mile!

TanGental:

Wanda did not realise, truth to tell,

That her career choice was its own kind of hell;

But then it’s a real bitch

To find you’re a dyslexic witch

Whose only job is to be able to spell.

Ruth Blogs Here:

Though in general I manage quite well

There are some words I find I misspell

It’s a feeling absurd

To be stuck on a word

I should know – but the letters won’t gel.

Richard Felix:

An old wizard who couldn’t quite spell

Cast hexes that didn’t work well.

When he tried to turn lead

Into bread, it was said

That the results were hard to expel!

Val Fish:

At school I didn’t fare very well

Couldn’t read, couldn’t right, couldn’t spell

But with beauty instead

I forged on ahead

In a subject I knew I’d excel!

Treehugger:

With promises of sweets and treats,

She put me under her spell.

She chanted and panted,

Mumbled and ranted.

At her home in Dingly Dell.

***

Guest Writer Spot

It’s Friday and so it’s time for my guest writer slot. It gives me great pleasure to welcome Lance Greenfield this week.

If you’d like to be a guest on my blog, please get in touch: estherchilton@gmail.com. Poems can be up to 60 lines and prose 2000 words. If you’d like to add a short bio and photo, then great.

Lance has been a regular on my blog over the years and I’m sure many of you have enjoyed his responses to my limerick and short story challenges. Today, he’s sharing a poem about his dad. Here’s a little background to the poem:

My dad, Tony Greenfield, was one of the world’s top statisticians. He was also, in his earlier years, a journalist and a very good writer. He was born in Chapeltown, near Sheffield, in 1931 and died in Broomcroft House Care Home on Eccleshall Road South in Sheffield in 2019. The geographical distance between the two is about 10 miles. He loved to travel the world and was always curious about everything.

The Decamile of Life
– the life of Tony Greenfield

From Chapeltown to Broomcroft

Is a mere ten miles:

A decamile, mas o menos.

That’s not a long way,

But it took me almost eighty-eight years.

---

I taught you all to estimate,

And to understand the errors.

Fifty-two thousand and eight hundred feet

Sounds like a very long way,

But it took me over thirty-two thousand days.

---

That’s less than twenty inches a day!

But consider this:

I went via Bedford and Brocksford,

Healey and Hillsborough,

Grenoside and Millbush,

Lyme Regis, Lake District, Peak District.

---

I went to Barcelona, Budapest,

Linz, Oslo, Rimini,

Dortmund and Gothenberg,

Copenhagen, Helsinki,

Katmandu, Quito and Marrakesh.

---

Skiiing in the Alps . . . AND on the River Tay.

Around the world, along my way.

Fiji, Bangkok and Chang Mai.

Nelson, New Zealand

To see my brother. I’d have liked to stay.

---

Sydney and San Francisco,

The Amazon rain forest,

Bolivia, Ecuador and Peru,

Rio Napo and the Andes,

Islas Galápagos too.

---

I’ve dined in Turin and Cagliari,

And Venice and in Rome,

In Ljubljana and in London,

Paris, Wroclav and Stockholm,

In Tel Aviv and Vienna.

---

And I’ll tell you this.

Everywhere I dined,

All over the world,

I’d spill gravy down my pink tie,

And I’d ALWAYS check my flies.

. . . THAT’S a lie!

---

So my life was just a decamile,

A very remarkable decamile,

Thirty-two thousand days.

Every inch and every minute,

For all of us, here today,

Has been full of laughs and smiles.

---

Have fun!

***

Tony

Lance is a retired technologist and military mapmaker. He is a full time carer for his wife. He enjoys running, reading and writing. Lance has travelled to about 80 countries in his life and declares that “it is not enough!”

Lance has two published novels in the inspirational fiction genre: Eleven Miles and Knitting Can Walk! He loves to write poems in his head as he walks around with his dog, Sammy, and put them to paper and refine them when he gets home. He says that his best poetry comes rom his heart when he is feeling emotional.

See more on his blog: lancegreenfield.wordpress.com.

Lance

Can You Tell A Story In…

Hello, all. I hope you’re having a good week. Here’s a new story challenge for you:

Can you tell a story in 48 words? You must use the following words somewhere in the story:

• SHOVEL
• MOONWALK
• PINEAPPLE
• ELECTION
• FLU
• MAGNET

Last week’s prompt was to tell a story in 24 words using the following word in it somewhere:

• SHOWER
• BISCUIT
• FRAUD
• SKIP

Here are your funny stories:

Kim Smyth:

Sally decides to skip the bar tab; a form of fraud, then takes a shower at home before snacking on a biscuit. Bad Sally!

Nicola Daly:

“Come here, Biscuit! You’re such a fraud – you roll in muddy puddles and yet you’re scared of the shower. Don’t skip away from me!”

Christine Mallaband-Brown:

The financial fraud happened between approximately one and three pm – after they threw the shower in the skip, but before they bought the biscuits.

Treehugger:

I admit I am a fraud. I frequently skip my 10K run, enjoy a nice hot shower and settle down to tea and biscuits.

Squirreljan:

That biscuit was a fraud. Enticing me into the skip to retrieve it, only to discover it wasn’t a Hobnob. I need a shower!

Sharron P:

Who put that skip on my drive? It wasn’t me. Must be skip fraud. Ooh, it’s full of biscuits. Bit soggy after the shower.

***

Writing Prompts

This week’s writing prompt is:

FAVOURITE FOODS

What’s your favourite food? Chocolate? Chips? Cheese? Pizza? Pasta? Try and make our mouths water!

You don’t have to share your work, but I always enjoy seeing what you come up with if the prompt gives you inspiration. Your last prompt was ANIMALS. Sharon Harvey sent in this lovely piece:

Hello everyone,

Let me introduce myself. My name is Beani. I have a new home now because my previous owners weren’t nice and used to hurt me and my brother. Lucky for me two sisters instantly fell in love with me so took me in. It was strange and scary but I soon realised I was going to be okay and safe and I was going to be loved and looked after. I only had my one tennis ball I arrived with but soon I had a lot more.

I’m getting used to my new house now. Got a bigger garden too I can play with my balls.

I hit my my plastic ball and it went up in the air. Mum shouted at me to go in. I looked up. I barked to reply. Trouble was I forgot the ball was up in the air and it came down and hit me on the head! Ouch!

Next door has a dog too; it’s smaller than me but I wanted to be friendly so I tried introducing myself but I couldn’t get a word in edgeways!

Later I went onto the sofa with Mum. I put my paw onto her leg. Then I wanted a cuddle so pushed myself onto her lap and plopped down. Mum made a noise and said in a weird voice ‘you comfy’? I looked at her to say ‘yes, thank you. Why? What’s the matter?!

Nanny then came in with a bone for me so I had stepped on Mum’s lap to put my front paws on the sofa arm to get my bone off of her…Trouble was I was then stuck as I couldn’t move.

‘You’re stuck, aren’t you?’ Mum said.

Daft question, Mum, no I’m okay…Well okay, I’m not but I’m sure I’ll figure it out…Okay, no, I’m stuck. Oh hello, I’m in the air now…What…Where am I going? Ah, Mum had picked me up and turned me around and put me down at the side of her with my bone. It was lovely too and after I had it, I dozed off to sleep with it still tucked under my paws dreaming of a bigger bones…zzzzz

That’s all for now, more soon. 

Woof woof, lots of licks and kisses

Beani

–

Funny Of The Week

Now you know…